From the world I came from almost 4 years ago, the concept of "losing my life" would have been something looked at with deep sadness and met with encouraging mantras of "doing something for yourself" or reminders that raising my children "won't last forever" and that I could still "do something with my life". The idea of leaving a successful and promising career confused a lot of people, but they also knew I was "very religious" so they expected something weird from me. So, on the day my first child was born I put my last development project live, cooked supper then went to the hospital. While I've had seasons where I worked part-time doing development work, my more-than-full-time job has been serving my husband and children as a home-maker.
A few days ago a breeze from my old life blew through my office. I still manage one website and had to call my hosting company's technical support. It is amazing to me how refreshing the conversation was. I could talk the lingo. I could tell when he was giving me a "pat" answer. I could see through the technical jargon, talk it back to him and actually get him to do some work. Sure, all the while my daughter was freaking out in my arms and I could barely hear the technical support guy, but she finally calmed down and I was amazing able to keep my head in the game through it all. I hung up the phone feeling alive. And then, I was wondering, "Why?" "Why do I feel so alive right now? Why do I 'feel' as if it that world was what I was made for when Scripture tells me differently?" I talked this over with my husband last night. I think a few things why it "felt" so good is because as my husband said, although it is a huge subject field, I could still get a box around it and feel somewhat comfortable inside the box. With mothering, on the other hand, it's too big for a box. I never feel quite like I know what I'm doing. Yes, I definitely learn and grow, but there is always some challenge where I'm called upon to act, yet do not know what in the world I'm doing. I do not have a shelf full of manuals where I can look up the syntax for a particular command and program my children. I also do not have a clean-cut, well-organized Daytimer that contains pages of checkmarks beside all the things I get accomplished each day. And...even if I did have a Daytimer, the main things I want to accomplish, I can't check off today...or even tomorrow. Things like "instill in my children a love for God's word", "help my children develop a Christian worldview", "lead my children to Christ". All things for which there are no "live-dates".
It saddened me to think that I don't feel that same "breath-of-fresh-air-I'm-alive" feeling every day that I'm mothering. I mean I do have to be honest and say "yes, I've had some good days - it's not all drudgery and terrible" - by no means. (What's funny is, right now I'm falling asleep and kind of losing my train of thought :-) )
Anyways - it's encouraging to hear Christ's command:
Luke 9:24 "For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it."
So...I'm losing my life and praying, hoping, trusting God.
A few days ago a breeze from my old life blew through my office. I still manage one website and had to call my hosting company's technical support. It is amazing to me how refreshing the conversation was. I could talk the lingo. I could tell when he was giving me a "pat" answer. I could see through the technical jargon, talk it back to him and actually get him to do some work. Sure, all the while my daughter was freaking out in my arms and I could barely hear the technical support guy, but she finally calmed down and I was amazing able to keep my head in the game through it all. I hung up the phone feeling alive. And then, I was wondering, "Why?" "Why do I feel so alive right now? Why do I 'feel' as if it that world was what I was made for when Scripture tells me differently?" I talked this over with my husband last night. I think a few things why it "felt" so good is because as my husband said, although it is a huge subject field, I could still get a box around it and feel somewhat comfortable inside the box. With mothering, on the other hand, it's too big for a box. I never feel quite like I know what I'm doing. Yes, I definitely learn and grow, but there is always some challenge where I'm called upon to act, yet do not know what in the world I'm doing. I do not have a shelf full of manuals where I can look up the syntax for a particular command and program my children. I also do not have a clean-cut, well-organized Daytimer that contains pages of checkmarks beside all the things I get accomplished each day. And...even if I did have a Daytimer, the main things I want to accomplish, I can't check off today...or even tomorrow. Things like "instill in my children a love for God's word", "help my children develop a Christian worldview", "lead my children to Christ". All things for which there are no "live-dates".
It saddened me to think that I don't feel that same "breath-of-fresh-air-I'm-alive" feeling every day that I'm mothering. I mean I do have to be honest and say "yes, I've had some good days - it's not all drudgery and terrible" - by no means. (What's funny is, right now I'm falling asleep and kind of losing my train of thought :-) )
Anyways - it's encouraging to hear Christ's command:
Luke 9:24 "For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it."
So...I'm losing my life and praying, hoping, trusting God.